This pandemic thing sucks.  I already knew that this run up to the election was going to be difficult in this country, but I never thought we would be having a political war over wearing masks, whether science is real and whether we should hold physically-distant-but-in-person-school this fall.

I am exhausted.  Truly and utterly at my end.  I have a six month old.  She is a delight and by all measures a pretty easy baby.  I have had five so I have some experience with babies.  She is the light of my days and makes our lives better and sinks us into the moment instead of just swirling around upset at the state of the world.

But I had forgotten, somehow, that there is a major growth spurt at 6 months.  Perhaps I would have remembered if she had started this major suck-fest last week instead of 8 days after she turned 6 months old.  Maybe not though.  I don’t remember the expected 3 month growth spurt to be a big deal.  But then again it is hard to remember what was happening back in May.  It is hard to believe it is August except for the fact that the weather tells me that it is.

I am so tired.  I try to avoid social media (though it is my job so I can’t totally avoid it) because people are just crazy and I no longer have the brain power or the energy to explain to people that science is real, that masks are important and there are as many ways to homeschool as there are families doing it.  And this isn’t even touching the fact that Breanna Taylor’s killers haven’t been charged with anything yet, that there are riots in various cities and that there are unmarked paramilitary people kidnapping protesters.  And that’s not even touching politics.  

It is hard.  It is hard to stay positive.  It is hard to chop wood and carry water and keep my house clean.  Among all of this I am canning.  I am preserving the bounty of our garden into glass jars and storing them in the basement for this winter.  I have made pickles, and jams, marmalades, preserves, lacto-fermented pickles, barbecue sauce and salsa and I haven’t even bought extra tomatoes yet.  Meanwhile there is a shortage of canning supplies in the country, starting with vinegar and now going to jars and lids.  I am making broth from chicken and turkey necks, feet and bones as well as pork bones and sealing them in jars as the basis of so many meals this winter.  Because come what may we will need bone broth.

Also I need freezer space, because there is a freezer shortage thanks to this pandemic.  Thankfully there appears to be freezers starting to come up on Craigslist as people realize perhaps they don’t need as many as they thought they did or maybe they just need the money.  In any event we hope to get a freezer soon as there are more than 50 birds in my yard that will need to go to freezer camp soon.

The to-do list is never ending right now.  I had hoped that July would be more project building than canning but the cucumbers came in early and my family loves pickles and relish.  We took this weekend off from constantly trying to get projects done, but that doesn’t mean I feel any less behind.  We have so many half finished projects right now that it is slowly driving me mad, could we just get something finished and off the list without another trip to town (which is a half hour away)?

We have a long weekend coming up and a birthday.  Then two weeks later another birthday that may mean a week off I’m not sure the dates yet.  On the one hand it will be wonderful to get more things off the list (and some of those yummy chickens in the freezer) on the other hand I am in desperate need for rest.  

It is hot, so we need regular visits to water which is hard with the need to physically distance from other people and everyone wanting to do the same thing.  Everyone is home all the time and for the foreseeable future which means the moments of quiet time I could grab throughout the day are harder to find as everyone needs to be quieter when Dad is working and it’s a bit too hot for everyone to hide outside and besides I have been in the hot kitchen putting up the bounty.  

But I have to stop from time to time.  There is a small person who needs extra milk, and extra comfort this week as she realizes that her people can actually walk out of the room.  I would love to spend the day reading a book for pleasure.  But my house also needs to get cleaned and organized and have these half finished projects finished up so things could get put away.

So today I stole a few moments to write this before I help with reading practice and silver award.  Then it’s packing snacks, cooler, and swimsuits and getting ready to do the farmer’s market, library, and then hitting some water at the end.  Hopefully there will be enough breeze through the car windows since the a/c in the van needs to be checked and we just haven’t had time to mess with it yet.

Because as hot as the dog days of summer feel this year in Maine I know that winter is coming.  I keep telling the kids that we can resume Family Movie nights after the equinox when the days get shorter and we can’t be outside getting things done.  I am looking forward to that quieter time.  Even though my little one will be getting into more things and I will need to work harder to keep her safe.  But that seems to be the theme of 2020.  Working harder to keep everyone safe.

*** Read more real life, real talk parenting journeys in The Mommy Rebellion Book. ***

(Check out Part 1 HERE)

I knew that the way out would involve me finding a way to include myself in my circle of care. I could sense that if I felt more whole, more joyful, more creative, more energetic, more in alignment with my own destiny and self-actualization, I would be able to offer these qualities to my daughters, not only by having more to give them but by being a model. 

Amaya, my youngest daughter, brought me the deepest, most profound shift of all. She brought me the terrible gift of postpartum depression and anxiety. Terrible gift because it literally sucks balls. It was truly a dark night of the soul that took me to the depths of despair, but it also offered me the tremendous gift of profound transformation that would ultimately serve me immeasurably, not only in my own life but in service to the mothers that I mentor. 

When Amaya arrived on the scene, she made it clear that I needed to create a shift in my work that would allow me to be more present with my expanding family.

She gave me the gift of MotherFly, which is clearly the next step in my own destiny path because it offers me a way to go deeper with my work and midwife women and mothers without having to be on call all the time. 

In January of 2017, I founded MotherFly as a way to support the incredible transformation that takes place when a woman becomes a mother. 

Did you know there is actually a term for this transition. It is called Matresence, coined by Anthropologist Dana Raphael in 1973. We understand and acknowledge the transition of adolescence, and yet matrescene is apparently way more complex on all levels–hormonal, psychological, physical, and spiritual. 

So I started MotherFly with a mission is to provide workshops and programs for pregnant women and mothers that support their highest evolution in service to themselves, their children, and the world. 

About a month later I fell into a 3 year period of depression and anxiety. It was as if the Universe was mocking me. 

So you want to guide mothers through the thick of it? 

Take this! 

 Over many months it was my task and my healing to find each one, examine and re-examine it and decide if it still fit. I also had to search out and weave in new parts of myself, namely self-compassion. My inner critic kept asking, 

How could Corina- the calm, wise midwife who had so much awareness and so many tools- be so completely and utterly lost? 

A big part of my healing was finding a new level of compassion for myself. 

Much of my suffering was not from the feelings of fear and sadness and overwhelm themselves, as painful as they were. It was the added layers of guilt and shame and anger at myself for feeling the way I did that created true suffering and kept me stuck. I felt like I had so many tools, and yet none of them were working. 

It felt like somehow, with this last shift into being a mama of three, all of the pieces 

In June of 2018, I faced my last gates–the gates of Holy Terror and Humility. The holy terror was about my existential fear of death on every level. 

The death of my identity as a strong, wise, grounded person, the death of my faith as a spiritual warrior, and even my own physical death as I flirted with the idea of suicide. 

The humility was finding the courage to do what in Birthing From Within we call the “one forbidden thing.” This is the place in birth (or life) where the birthing woman has to let go of ideas about herself and how she should behave, or let go of the fear of being judged by others in order to do what it takes to bring her baby out. 

This could mean turning into a roaring lioness when she had imagined herself a calm and serene hypnobirther. Or maybe she planned a drug-free birth but decides, 

“Fuck this! I want an epidura!”. 

Whatever it is, this one thing is what frees her from the constraints of any former identity and allows her to transform into her next level of being so that she can bring her baby forth into the world. 

In my case, it was the decision to join the one out of six Americans who are taking psychiatric medication. This was something totally outside of my worldview, my identity and my beliefs. 

I was terrified. 

I decided to do ceremony around it. Gathering my sacred items for an altar, I went outside under the full moon in late June. 

I called in the four elements, as well as my own spiritual guides. With my Chinese herbs in one hand and my Lexapro in the other, I just prayed that these two would be real medicine for me. Because, aside from all my concerns about the side effects of taking meds, and the question of what did this mean about me, there was also the fear that it might not work at all. Many people have to go through trial and error with several meds before finding something that works. 

Thankfully, my therapist was right. 

Two weeks later I began to feel better. In a month’s time, all of my relationships began to shift. 

First and foremost I shifted my relationship with myself, learning self-love at an entirely new level. I fell in love with my children again and was finally able to enjoy and appreciate their beauty. My spiritual faith was reborn and I came back into connection with Spirit. My relationship with money shifted and I no longer lived inside of constant fear of scarcity. And I finally got clear about needing to leave my relationship, which was a huge piece of the puzzle and one that I could not have arrived at without the clarity that comes from doing deep, personal growth work and the support of powerful mentors. 

All of my tools were working again and I was feeling so good that I was able to wean myself off of the Lexapro. I’m thankful for its contribution to my healing and to shifting my rigid ideas about taking meds. I now know it’s another tool I can use if I need to but I prefer more holistic medicines. 

My experience with postpartum anxiety and depression truly deepened what I can offer to the pregnant women and mothers that I serve. My ultmate vision is the help midwife, along with many other mothers, the birth of a new archetype for motherhood. One that allows mothers to be fully human, to nourish dreams, to rest, to give and to receive. 

This new archetype is based in the feminine principles of relatedness, interconnection and a compassion that includes ourselves. It is a sharp pivot from the martyrdom of our great grandmothers and the perfectionistic supermom of our more recent lineage, up to and including ourselves. It is mother-authored, creative, and based in “systemic love, equity and inclusion.” 

I call it MotherFly. 

Like the transformation from a caterpillar to a butterfly the process of matrescene is profound and total. And yet, the MotherFly is not swallowed whole by motherhood. She continues to grow herself along with her children, cultivating her Mama Essence, and through it develops wings to fly. 

Learn more about Corina here:

FB at Bellymama Midwifery and MotherFly
IG @bellymamamidwifery and @motherflytribe

www.motherfly.mom

www.bellymamamidwifery.com

Corina Fitch is a Licensed Midwife, Certified Professional Midwife, and Registered NICU Nurse with 20 years of experience in the field of maternity and newborn care.

She is also a transformational facilitator and mother of 3 daughters.  Each one has brought deeper meaning to her work. After her first daughter was born, she became intensely focused on helping her clients bond with their babies in utero and cultivate self-care practices that would serve them well into their mothering.  After her 3rd daughter was born, she developed postpartum depression and anxiety, which further peaked her interest in nervous system regulation and maternal wellness. 

Out of this she birthed MotherFly, an organization whose mission is to catalyze human potential through the cultivation of maternal wellness.  MotherFly programs serve to support and empower pregnant women and mothers to actualize their full potential in the home and out in the world.

We’d love to hear from YOU. How are you feeling about your kids starting the school year?

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