I wear many different hats in this life–midwife, mother, artist, transformational facilitator. But what I want to share specifically is my story of becoming a mother and learning to juggle all of these passions.
I came to motherhood really through midwifery and had been practicing for about 7 years before I had my first baby. Despite having already assisted hundreds of mothers on their journey to motherhood, my journey was nothing like I expected.
I had imagined all our culturally promoted romantic visions– images of mothers and infants smiling at each other, deeply in love, deeply fulfilled, the picture of happiness. I imagined the joy and contentment of my baby feeding at my breast, that exquisite and intimate connection. Yes, I knew there would be sleepless nights and dirty diapers, but somehow that’s not what I focused on.
The first unexpected twist was that my relationship fell apart in the first trimester.
I was going to be a single mother.
I had wanted a baby badly for many years, but I never expected to do it alone. The first half of my pregnancy was rough, both emotionally and physically. I was exhausted all the time, heartbroken about the breakup, and had horrific all-day sickness! All I wanted to do was lie in bed or hug the toilet.
But I managed to enjoy the second half and actually loved being pregnant. After the first trimester passed, I honestly never felt more beautiful, more radiant, more alive. One of my favorite delights was feeling this little spirit move around inside me!
And then…
The birth and initial postpartum period knocked me off my feet with their raw intensity and overwhelming physical and emotional demands. I was completely humbled by my own experience.
Nehama’s birth took me so far from what I knew as a midwife and so deep inside of myself as a woman, that I emerged literally transformed. The day she was born I lost all sense of the world outside of my own body. Thoughts entered and left my mind just as quickly, leaving me in a sort of mindless void, filled only by my breath and the deep, bellowing moans that flowed out of my mouth.
After about 36 hours of labor I hit my wall. I had been stuck at 6 cm for many hours with a premature urge to push that I could no longer fight. I was failing. I imagined my midwives, who were sitting and chatting quietly together on the couch, were plotting my transport.
But that was all in my head! The reason I could no longer stop it was because it was finally time. After 3 hours of pushing, Nehama was in my arms, her soft, wet body against my warm, sweaty chest. I felt high on love (and oxytocin!) as I looked around the room at my mom, my sister and my midwives.
I had made it to the other side. I was a mother!
This initial bliss gave way to sleepless nights, sore, wounded nipples, and a tornado of emotions! I was overwhelmed by the love I felt for my daughter and the thought of being a mother to this tiny, perfect creature. I remember looking down at her a few days after the birth, flooded with hormones, and thinking to myself,
“Oh my goodness, she is perfect…and I have so many flaws. What the hell am I going to do with her?”
I was totally unprepared for this level of vulnerability.
After my postpartum initiation things did get better.
But for me motherhood has been by far the most challenging task I have ever undertaken, particularly because I really wanted to “get it right”. I wanted to be that parent that loves unconditionally, honors and acknowledges her child’s feelings and models emotional intelligence. I didn’t want to be like my parents and birth culture, whose practice was to disregarded or belittle emotions. And yet I found that I so often fell into those patterns.
Motherhood has an uncanny way of reflecting back to me all those areas where I still need to grow myself and it up until recently, it has been the area of my life where my inner critic showed up most often. I feel so much more in my zone of greatness as a midwife.
Nine years, a new relationship, and 2 kids later, the reality of juggling my career and calling as a midwife, which was already super demanding and required me to be on-call 24/7, with the demands of being the primary provider for my family and a mother to three daughters, shook me to my core.
I was exhausted. I felt burnt out, depleted, cut off from my creativity and inspiration. And the worst thing was that no matter how much I tried to get it right, I felt like a failure. I would lie awake at night in tears, feeling like there was something wrong with me. Maybe I just wasn’t cut out for motherhood.
It was doubly painful because my work was dedicated to helping other women navigate the journey to motherhood.
How could I do this authentically, when I myself was a failure?
Of course…
There’s no turning back on motherhood.
But I felt like the only way I could do it well was if I let go of being a midwife and intuitively I knew that would be the death of my spirit. Not to mention it was how I paid the bills!
I was confronted with the challenge of how to hold it all with grace.
Stay tuned for Part Two, coming out next week!
In the meantime, learn more about Corina here:
FB at Bellymama Midwifery and
IG @bellymamamidwifery and @
Corina Fitch is a Licensed Midwife, Certified Professional Midwife, and Registered NICU Nurse with 20 years of experience in the field of maternity and newborn care.
She is also a transformational facilitator and mother of 3 daughters. Each one has brought deeper meaning to her work. After her first daughter was born, she became intensely focused on helping her clients bond with their babies in utero and cultivate self-care practices that would serve them well into their mothering. After her 3rd daughter was born, she developed postpartum depression and anxiety, which further peaked her interest in nervous system regulation and maternal wellness.
Out of this she birthed MotherFly, an organization whose mission is to catalyze human potential through the cultivation of maternal wellness. MotherFly programs serve to support and empower pregnant women and mothers to actualize their full potential in the home and out in the world.
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