Why are we taking responsibility for our kids emotions?

But really we need to stop taking responsibility for our kids emotions.

Seriously. They are themselves. Their own beings that come into this world as their own selves.

We can’t be responsible for how they feel.

In the beginning the only way they can communicate with us is to cry, smile, and make little noises, they don’t have the luxury of controlling their emotions at all, because that cry, gets our attention so that we help them figure out what is going on. That smile rewards us for doing something right, for helping them feel contented and full of love.

I know this, I have held four babies in my arms and at times they have had to cry to get my attention. Not because I was in any way a neglectful parent, but because I have other children, a husband and a very busy internal imagination and maybe I just happened to be thinking of other things. Maybe just maybe.

So how come at some point we feel like we have to take responsibility and be in charge of how our kids feel and therefore how the react? Is it the first time we can’t get our baby to stop crying and we are either in public or are afraid that someone can hear us and therefore we will be judged?

Or we are judging ourselves because we don’t actually like the sound of our baby crying and we feel ill equipped to deal with it (of course we are biologically wired to feel uncomfortable when our baby cries that is how it is suppose to work). Or we are just so tired because it feels like this has been for days (and it may very well be) and you are at your wits end.

Somewhere in all of that we get to the point where we will do anything to just get our child to be happy again so (mostly likely) we can get some more sleep, eat or take a shower or go to the bathroom by yourself.

And then it snowballs. Your kid gets older and decides that the seat in the grocery store is electrified and they lose their shit. But you can’t just walk out of the store because you actually need those groceries to be able to eat tonight.

Or your kids get’s really angry at the other kid on the playground and hauls off and hits them and now they are banned from daycare.

Or your family is going through a really stressful shitty time and you don’t know how to deal with your emotions much less deal with theirs. And what they are feeling are totally valid and acceptable feelings, they maybe aren’t demonstrating them well, or they are lashing out at their safest person which happens to be you, much like you took your shit out on your partner or best friend last week.

Yet knowing this you still give the stink eye to another parent who’s kid is losing their shit. Maybe it’s on an airplane, maybe they are throwing a fit in the checkout line, or maybe just not great behavior at the umpteenth birthday party you have had to attend this weekend (hint you can say no, you don’t have to go to all of them).

We do though, we judge each other on how our kids are behaving, even though we are not in complete control of them, and we most certainly are not in control of their feelings. Hell half the time we are not in control of our own.

But does any of this judging actually help our kids or change the situation? Sometimes your kid just needs to cry, because yes as far as they are concerned not getting the green Popsicle instead of the red one is the end of the world and something they need to grieve over. Because they had wrapped a whole story up in their mind about how much cooler the green Popsicle would make them look.

We don’t know. Frankly I don’t want to be in my kid’s minds, mine is hard enough to control and listen to constantly as it is (hence why we invented meditation, alcohol and binge worthy TV). I don’t live in their bodies, or understand how their brain rewired itself last night (and new research shows it probably did).

Why do I have to be responsible for their emotions?

I am responsible to my kids to be the best mum I can be. I am not responsible for their behavior. I responsible to keep them as safe as I can, but at some point they may still make stupid decisions and it’s my job to be there to help them pick up the pieces and fix it.

I will not take my kids feelings away from them. I will try and help them find ways of processing how they feel without harming others or destroying friendships they don’t want to destroy. But it is not my fault that my child is having a bad time, feels miserable and conversely are having an awesome day.

All I can control is my reactions to them. And creating safe environments for them to learn what the world wants to teach them. Their lessons are not my lessons to learn necessarily. My lessons is how to help support them to get through theirs.

Because that’s my job as their mum.