Happy Hour

A bit of a disclaimer..before I write about this…there is no judgement here..none, none at all, this post is just what is going on in my life and how I am feeling about it..

It started as a way to unwind…after a no good, awful, horrible, very bad day..

The kind that leaves you with a few more gray hairs than when you started..

(I am hoping when then this is all done I will have a nice white Rogue streak going down off my forehead. I mean something cool needs to come out of all this stress!)

Then it became an online thing with friends..friends that we don’t get to see in person right now, people that are part of our everyday routine that have been cut off because of this horrible crap storm we are in. 

Then it became just something to do..like the more snacking, it became justified by “why not, I am not driving or going anywhere, at all, for days on end.”

Then it stopped being at the end of the day ,it began at 5pm, 3pm and one awful day it started at 2pm..

Stay hydrated they say, drink more, they say and I have been, but it hasn’t always been water…and it hasn’t always been in moderation or just for fun.. 

It became what I call “The not so happy..Happy Hour”

It is mostly a bit of a joke..but underneath I realized that I have been drinking just a little too much and just a bit too hard. 

And I know exactly why I’m doing it..

This underlying fear, this just at the edge of having a big freak out panic attack, the hand washing after touching ANYTHING, the figuring out how to keep my kids safe and not have them mentally scarred for life.

This virus would flat out kill my youngest, she is tiny, she catches everything, she has asthma and I am scared shitless  ALL DAY! EVERYDAY!

There is so much BOREDOM!!

I am a non-essential massage therapist (doesn’t that title just kick me in the self esteem) I have not worked for over a month..dealing with stress is my job and I can’t do it, I can’t help others. It is breaking my heart.

So I poured a glass of something, and then another one, and then a few more…

Then I started to wonder how far it was going to go..the not so happy, Happy Hour…

A friend of mine asked me how doing mediation was going.. and I joked back “with a fifth of vodka it is going great!”

I decided then to dial back…a lot…like a whole lot…I make sure not to drink in front of my kids and not to make little comments like “you are all driving me to DRINK!” Even on the days when that is exactly what they are doing and they are doing it a lot.

I LOVE being a mom, we all say we want to spend more time with our kids and we mean it..but not like this. We parents did not want to be home with our kids like this, not with the threat of something huge and dangerous looming outside. The nagging feeling of not being able to provide coming from inside our heads..

Tonight is a weekly meet up with a bunch of friends…and yes I will have one cocktail.

Then I will stop for the rest of the weekend.

My goal is not to make a repeat of the “not so happy, Happy Hour”

Stay safe..and sometimes even sober..