Growing a baby is HARD

I don’t care what anyone says and maybe for the women who love pregnancy, it is a lovely hard.  That has not been my experience. That doesn’t mean that I don’t birth healthy babies, because so far I always have.

I have had 4 natural births, 3 of them at home and 1 at a birth center. I know many would consider me lucky or privileged.

We usually have to pay the midwife out of pocket with our tax return. I am grateful for flexible midwives. I am grateful for the extra postpartum care I receive because we choose to go an alternative route. I am grateful to have conversations about the tests we want and the ones we don’t. I am grateful that my other children can attend the visits and ask whatever questions they have, however often they need to to feel part of the process. I am grateful that this is the 3rd pregnancy I am having with this midwife so she as well as Rob really knows what my “normal” is because I tend to forget.  

 But I am also very tired.  I’m in my 6th month of pregnancy and the little one has her regular kicking times.

 I am winding things down in my life rather than ramping them up. I am ready to go into my cave and see everyone in like half a year from now. Not that it will happen that way as I have four other kids who need to get to their activities.  And some social events are really nice distractions.

But I am tired.  I am tired of being asked how I feel.  Because I feel like I am supposed to say great when the truth is I feel pregnant (which is usually what I say).

 I really like the term “with child” because it’s not just me that is existing in this body. It’s not exactly another person yet either but someone is coming and growing and becoming a person.

 Regardless of what you believe this is a great time of mystery. Of standing in the hallway and not knowing which door I will be exiting from. I don’t really know who this person is going to be. I have a sense of her and it grows stronger most days, but I don’t know her yet. I just have the instinctual sense of who she is becoming but very little is written in stone yet.

It is a great time of waiting.  I feel like from the moment I know for sure I am pregnant time screeches to a halt and every day is a mini year, each week a decade, each month a lifetime, and those 10 months are the longest of my life

But looking back it seems to go by so fast. But going through it, it is so very slow.

 Every time I wake up I feel as though the baby belly is bigger. I am always hungry, even when I am eating. I am so sick of the small one complaining of what I am eating and of getting sick. It takes so long to recover.

 I miss naps. I need to reenact them next week. More afternoon naps which will lead to split days which will make each day feel longer and shorter but I need the sleep and so does she.

 I am so very tired but I am growing a person and keeping 4 others alive. That’s a lot of work besides running a business and looking after a homestead and a marriage and a life.

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