I have fond memories of my grandmothers. They were both heavy-set women with large bosoms and welcoming arms for comforting embraces. They were talented cooks and took immense pleasure in feeding their family beyond button popping. They loved crocheting, knitting and quilting. They had well-worn rocking chairs and thoroughly enjoyed their retirement for many years. When I look back at photos of them in their thick, horn-rimmed glasses, polyester-printed dresses and bouffant hairdos, I realize that they had always been old. Always.

I often find myself reminiscing about visiting with my grandparents. We were spoiled with sweets and late nights and rarely heard the word “no”. We explored the outdoors, gathered flowers, caught frogs and ate fresh grapes straight off the vine. We sought shelter from the hot sun under a giant weeping willow tree during the day and chased fireflies at night. I always felt loved by my grandmothers and was contented to be in their presence.

Two and a half years ago, at age 47, I became a grandmother for the first time. To say I wasn’t ready, is an understatement. My son was just shy of 20 when he told me they were having a baby and I was scared for him… he was still a “baby” himself in my eyes. When I considered that in just a few short months I’d be a grandmother, I found it difficult to imagine. I don’t quite fit the traditional description of “grandmotherly”. I exercise regularly, I am vegan, I meditate and do yoga when I can find the time, I have tattoos and a nose ring, I own a business, I’m a professional musician, I still have two kids at home and my boyfriend lives with me. I have a love life, for crying out loud. I am not even on the same plane as my grandmothers were!

I find myself trying to navigate the waters of youthful grandparenting and never quite feeling successful. My son is now 23. He is engaged to his lovely fiancée (a bit older than he is) who has a son (age 9) from a previous relationship.  She and my son have one child, together, my granddaughter (age 2 ½). I am a grandmother to two phenomenal children. However, unlike my own grandparents, I am actively parenting two children at home… my younger son who will be 20 this spring and my daughter who is 11.

I am thankful that my grandchildren are very close by so that I can be there in 5 minutes, if they need me. And yet, I still don’t see them that often. Cue “Cat’s in the Cradle”! We are all busy and have schedules that don’t always mesh. I know that part of the reason we don’t see each other more is because they are aware that I am working and have a “life” so they don’t want to intrude. Another part of it is that I refuse to drop in or invite myself over… a “nicety” that is tradition in my family. However, the other grandmother sees them quite a bit. She is in a totally different place in her life than I am and yet I find myself feeling a titch jealous at the close relationship she has with the grandkids. As much as I want to latch onto my granddaughter every time I see her, I usually wait for her to approach me. But because I’m not around all the time, she tends to shy away only coming to me near the end of a visit. Do I push myself on her? Would that break the ice? No, I’m just not that person. I can’t help but wish that she would just thrust herself into my arms when she sees me so that I can bury my face in her sweet smelling hair and kiss and squeeze her like my grandmothers did me. Maybe someday.

I have so many conflicting feelings about this role. “Grandmother me” would love to drop everything any time they call and run over there to help them by watching the kids. “Mom me” is exhausted at the end of the day because I’ve been working and just wants to crawl into bed. “Grandmother me” would love to have my son and his sweet family over once a week for dinner. “Mom me” wants to do this too, but can’t seem find the time between work and errands and helping my daughter with homework or chauffeuring her from one thing to another to make that happen. “Grandmother me” wants to say “yes” when they call and ask me to come over on a weekend night. “Girlfriend me” wants to savor a few hours of alone time with my boyfriend. Internal struggle like this is normal, right?

I want to be to my grandchildren what my grandparents were to me. I want them to think about “Mimi” as a sweet, lovey grandma who would do anything for them but I also have to check myself in reality. My grandparents were older. They were retired. Their children had been out of the home for quite some time before they were called to their grandparenting duties. While not rich, they were well enough along to be able to vacation or do fun things with us, and had plenty of time to do it. I will be there one day, but that day is not today.

On the flipside, I have found that there are some fun benefits to being a young grandmother. I can get on the floor and tumble with the kids and still get back up again! I can keep up with them and take them on long walks and even jump on the trampoline.  I haven’t forgotten what it was like to be a parent, or a kid for that matter. My daughter and the grands get along stupendously and that is heartwarming to observe. I never seem to tire of hearing the “You’re a GRANDmother? No way! You look so young!” and of course, I get to be the super cool “rockstar” granny when they watch me perform on stage. Maybe someday I’ll even wear a bedazzled denim jacket with matching tennies! There are many proud moments when I watch my son being an exceptional father to his kids. He is a natural. Watching that makes my heart nearly burst out of my chest! Being a younger grandma will also hopefully translate to me being around for a longer part of their lives, and that thought makes me very happy.

I have decided that in 2019, I am going to give myself a little grace. I am going to enjoy the time I have with my children and my grandchildren and not concern myself too much with the areas in which I may be lacking. I’m going to approach grandparenting as I did with parenting by doing my best and, learning as I go. I will choose to do better when I know better, and when I’m able. I will make mistakes as I’m sure my grandparents did but I’m pretty sure I’ll get a lot right, too. I won’t be the same kind of grandmother to my grandkids as mine were to me but I hope to be just the right mix of cool and fun and loving and still doting grandmother. I plan to spend quality time with my grandchildren as often as I can, while spoiling them rotten may have to be put on hold for awhile. But since I’m a young granny, there should be PLENTY of time for that!

Lauren is mother to three and grandmother to two. She is a Reiki Master Teacher, Certified Crystal Healer, Ordained Minister, Energy Therapist and owner of Restorative Roots. She taught high school and middle school French and Spanish for 24 years and now applies the people skills she learned to help her clients heal themselves: body, mind and soul. She and her boyfriend are self-proclaimed health nuts and founded a group on Facebook called: Plant-based/Vegan/Vegetarian Lifestyle FUN group+ to help others lead more healthy lives through diet and exercise. In her spare time, Lauren is a professional singer and enjoys performing all around West Michigan. 

You can get more information on Lauren’s website: www.restorativerootsrocks.com  You can also follow her on Facebook and Instagram.

As a culture we don’t like to talk about death. At least not any more. When someone loses someone close we don’t know what to say. Beyond sending flowers, a sympathy card and maybe sending some food over we don’t know what to say.

We have to read from psychologists that the best thing we can do is just sit with the person. That holding space for that person to process their loss for as long as they need to (even if that means years) is what we are suppose to do, that the best thing we can do is sit with them in the uncomfortableness of it all. And most of us are not brave enough to do that. We don’t know how, we haven’t had it modeled, it can take a lot of energy to just sit there and hold space.

My kids have been lucky so far. They have not lost anyone super close to them that was human. Not yet anyway. They have witnessed my husband and I saying goodbye to our grandparents and friends and the unexpected deaths that happen in life but that is all they have seen of human death.

They have had to say goodbye to 3 cats, some expected and most sudden. Since we have had farm animals since 2015 we have said goodbye to several ducks that were close favorites of my eldest. I have had to break the news while on vacation that her favorite duck died while she wasn’t home. And witness the violent ugly sobbing that followed.

But what amazed me is that after about 10 minutes of ugly sobbing she took a deep breath and moved on. She was okay. While she still talks about that duck and misses him, she was able to process his death and move on.

We have come down in the morning once to find a dead duck inside the duck house, and this past weekend the same thing happened to one of our pigs. In both cases we didn’t know it was going to happen and we had done all we could, but life doesn’t always work the way we want too and death is part of it.

We have not hidden this from our kids. We did not hide the truth, we talked about what we knew had happened or what we thought had happened, where we might have made mistakes, and how we think we could prevent it happening in the future. We have also talked about runts and ow sometimes they don’t survive as long as you would like them too, no matter what you do.

My younger two kids have been happy to help when it came time to harvest our meat birds and my 7 year old actually seems to like the process and the gallows humor that seems to come out when one is harvesting and butchering meat. This past weekend my hubby and I got to do our first pig, being somewhat unprepared but not wanting the meat to go to waste.

Not the most pleasant of jobs, but we have always been honest about death with the kids. Like fairy tales that can feel like they have very dark sides, life does too. My girls could see as much or as little of the process as they wanted and my 10 year old helped move the body to where we could deal with it and talked about how weird it felt as this pig had been alive the night before.

I don’t think any of my kids will end up in therapy over our homestead. Maybe they will as you can never know how another person is going to react and put things together in their mind. But they all really understand where their food comes from. And that to eat, things must die whether they are animal or plant. We can also help them reproduce and live again, but in the end for us to live other things must die.

It’s a hard truth that these days no one wants to talk about. And yet it is so important that we do. It is okay to shed tears when saying goodbye to a beloved pet, or just an animal that you raised to later go in your freezer. It is good to thank them for sharing their life with you. For even though we are not always perfect, and we do not have 50 years of farming experience, I know that every animal that has lived with us has had a better life than they would have had in the commercial meat industry.

And that is changing our little corner of the world.  

Do you have baby talk appear randomly in your house?

I mean it’s super cute and exciting when it is your actual baby doing it. The joy the first time they say dada or mama is unparallelled.

But by the time you have 12, 10, 7 and 5 year old, I really don’t want to hear baby talk.

Unless they are talking to one of the animals.

I suppose when they are talking to their stuffed animals or playing a game, it’s tolerable.

At least a little bit.

But when they are talking to me and asking for something, it is just, well, super annoying and irritating.

Yes it tells me that they are either wheedling or in need of some extra attention. That something is going on and they feel the need to regress at least for a few minutes.

But at the same token it just really pushes my buttons. It gets to sitting on my last nerve even faster than just regular whiny behavior. Or just general complaints. It is just so annoying!

Especially because more often than not, the baby talk arrives on days when I am doing something else. Days when I have a lot on my plate, when perhaps another sister is in need of more attention because well when it rains it pours right?

And then out pops the baby talk. I try and wait and see first, see if it is part of a game, or really a way for them to state their needs for extra attention and love. I try to take a deep breath or 3 to make sure that I am calm before responding, because I know it is going to hit my trigger points. I try to listen beyond the words and hear what other clues they are trying to tell me.

Maybe they are going through a growth spurt and are truly hungry and for some reason this is how they are going to ask for more food today?

Maybe they are still recovering from being sick the week before and just like me their brain isn’t firing on all cylinders yet and they truly are not running at 100%?

Maybe they had a bad social interaction a few minutes or days ago and this is how it is coming out?

Maybe they don’t have the skills yet to have things come out better, the words, the tools, the self awareness to know what they truly need?

Maybe they just need another cuddle. Lately I have found that all of my girls have really upped their cuddle needs and that they need far more cuddles than usual. I am unsure if this is because it is winter and they are just running cold or if it truly is just a time in their life where they need more cuddling.

Touch is not my dominate love language so when a lot of them need a lot of touch all at once by the end of the day I don’t want any one else to touch me. Especially if there has been a lot of squirming in all that touching. Sometimes I think I wear all this extra padding on my body because of all the squirming I am on the receiving end of and my body is just trying to protect itself from the inevitability of all these girls and their elbows. Of course that may be wishful thinking as well.

I don’t have the answers. I don’t know why baby talk shows up, and why it seems to go straight to a nerve point for me. I have a bit more tolerance for it than my hubby, who can’t even stand hearing it if it is part of a game, and I try to let that go at least for a little while.

But I do know that often it just needs a liberal helping of cuddles. Maybe some read aloud time and snuggling too. Occasionally just going outside really helps.

What about you? What do you do when baby talk shows up in your house?

I think maybe this is just another holiday for mom’s to compare themselves over. Like who sent the most perfect “handmade” valentine’s to school this year? Who made the best cupcakes/chocolate etc.

I actually try to avoid valentine’s day on social media because it is one of those gag worthy who has the better spouse kind of day. Almost like mother’s day because rarely is it children that are the driving force behind how you get treated that day.

For me personally I try to avoid the day completely. My kid’s don’t go to school and it’s not a big day for me and my hubby, as we try to make time for each other multiple times during the year, when we can’t manage to get weekly dates in (which only happen because we have a 12 year old who will babysit during the day and because we are usually running errands on said date).

This year I am thinking about sending a love note to each of my business clients as a thank you for letting me support them. That seems like a fun Valentine thing to do that is completely platonic and not at all really wrapped up in the commercialism of the day.

I suppose I should ask my kids if they want to do something for V day, before the day arrives and they ask me what we are doing and I’m like maybe heart shaped pancakes?

Because I need another holiday surrounded by sugar like I need extra holes in my head. And I get the archaeological reason behind holidays and sugar, and it means we actually survived the winter, but these days we have way too much sugar and I see my daughter’s acne blow up every time we have a sugar filled party.

So no, I don’t want to do that. But I do like practices of gratitude. Hence the idea of sending Valentines to my clients. To express my gratitude. I like to encourage that in my kids too. I am just not sure that Valentine’s is really the best way to do that.

My girls were at my friend’s house a few weeks ago and they were all making Valentine’s and hiding them throughout the house (I think the hiding had a lot to do with the game). My 7 year old made one for the 7 year old boy and said she loved him…. and embarrassment ensured when he read it aloud to the whole group of kids. At this age I know her “I love you” has to do with the fact that they are good friends who play together about once a week and he is almost like a brother to her. But she also knows enough to be worried about everyone else’s reaction when he read it aloud.

Sigh.

I wish her innocence could have lasted longer. You know like the belief in the tooth fairy.

So here we are. It’s February and that lovely day is happening on the 14th.  I am doing a big workshop that I have never done before so I guess some good is happening that day. But I could really do without the Hallmark drippy-ness. And all the candy in the stores. It seems like it has been going constantly since Halloween, candy, candy everywhere.

I haven’t even followed any of the links as to why conversation hearts aren’t available this year. I never liked them anyway.