Winter, for me over the last few years has been a time for visioning, for watering the seeds of desire and lovingly building the soil around them as they lay in a state of wait.
Then come spring when the snow melts and the sun warms the moist ground they can sprout. However, for the years before I sat in the never ending winter; I had let my desires sit dormant in an arid frozen tundra.
A decade ago I became a single mom when my daughter was 2. I through myself, due to fear, into full survival mode and placed my desires, my dreams of being a creative entrepreneur into a box and buried them so deep that I couldn’t feel their heartbeat calling me.
I did this because of self doubt from my divorce and because I had a misunderstanding with creative currency. My familial story lead me to believe that being creative meant that you wouldn’t make money. At that time, I was my daughter’s sole provider, until she was six. That meant, in my mind of limits, that nurturing my dream was not an option. I had to make a living to support my daughter which I decided subconsciously meant leaving all my desires behind.
So,
I stopped painting for me- I painted with my daughter but it was for her.
I stopped going on outdoor adventures to photograph and write because I didn’t want to ask for support so that I could.
I stopped finding the time to connect with my body and let it flourish through dance and movement except for the occasional dance party with my daughter in the kitchen or 10 minute yoga sessions that fit a young girls attention span.
I stopped allowing myself to explore and dream and create because I was so far down into the shadow, I couldn’t see the light.
As I denied my creativity, my light dimmed to a flicker and it wasn’t until one day while brushing my teeth and looking at myself in the mirror, that I truly saw the withered sadness in my eyes, my furrowed brow and frown lines..
I didn’t recognize me in that reflection! In fact, a jolt ran through my body and in that moment I decided I had to reconnect to me or I would slowly die. A bit dramatic yes, but at that moment that was my truth.
I needed to rebuild the soil, reconnect with my desires, my passion and figure out how to make the space to do that.
I was done withering so I began my slow journey back to me.
My journey to what I call my Illuminated Life took a few years of saying yes to exploring my creativity again, of excavating my limiting beliefs around money and creativity, of asking for and investing in support so I could find the time to play for me, of trusting myself and being open to creating new loving relationships, and finally curating a business that fused my talent and my experience as a teacher together.
Illumination is the process of coming home to you, to revisit those forgotten desires, to reconnect and play with them and then to see where they lead you. As adults and especially as parents you get sucked into the whirlpool deferred desires, where you place the needs of children, the needs of your job, the needs of your partner or parents often get placed ahead of our own. This will suck the life out you and shroud you from the magic of playing with your passions, or creating deep connections to yourself and others, it will dim your light and wither your your joy if you don’t start making the time ( little bits at first) to do something that will illuminate you!
Through doing this work I was able to fuse my light, my expertise and my passions into my business where I now run workshops, retreats and programs that help others Illuminate their light and curate their sacred vision and passionate action plan.
If you are interested in illuminating you and want to be lead on that journey in a supportive, creative and sacred space join me on Saturday, March 9th from 10-2 virtually from the comfort of your home, or coffee shop, or office via Zoom.
You can learn more about the Illuminating Your Sacred Vision Virtual Retreat HERE.
May You Shine On!
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