Creating the Gap in Emotions

My youngest is full of energy. Years ago we would have said she was full of spunk, was ornery or just a little shit. And immediately everyone would know what I was talking about. She’s the kid who had her first full blown temper tantrum because I refused to allow her to take the crib mattress as a sled down our stairs and straight into the wall. She was only about two years old when this happened.

She is the kid that will just slap a sister out of the blue for some remembered slight that happened. She’s the kid that the moment she walks into a room you know she is there. One of her middle names is “the great queen” and by golly she knows it.

She is the immediacy of a strong willed child. You know the one where the memes tell you to hang in there? Yeah well in this day and age there is not as much support.

If you have a strong willed child especially if they are not afraid to express their emotions that are not socially acceptable (so pretty much anything other than happiness) there is not a lot of support. I am pretty sure if she went to preschool these days she would already have the label of bully. Not because she is a bully but because you know she tries everything on, even dictating.

Why? Because she’s a kid and she’s still learning. Because she came into this world ready to change it, whether the world is ready for her or not. Because one of her special gifts is the ability to advocate, and she is learning to not just do it for herself but for others as well.

Case in point, last night my hubby and I were packing up a bookcase and the younger two were being the gofers of the books and then the full boxes going back on the book case until we are ready to move. At some point my 6 year old got really upset about something her dad said (as near as we can tell she misunderstood something and thought he was laughing at her, when in actuality he wasn’t). Because at that point in time I couldn’t take the amount of time to cuddle her and find out what was going on, her little sister did. I saw them cuddling on the couch with my 6 year old whispering what was wrong in my 4 year old’s ear and them going back and forth and cuddling.

Which is frigging awesome for the girl that randomly slapped her sister only the night before.

We are under a lot of stress right now. House buying does that to a person and was not something I realized before we were neck deep into the process. None of us are functioning at our best right now. And while sometimes I get filled with Mommy guilt, because I know I am not doing my best at the moment, I also know that how we react now, in times where things aren’t easy are just as important as the easy-going days.

A friend helped support me with my youngest and recommended a couple of flower essences that might help her feel better. After I ordered them and they arrived I explained them to my four year old with the description of, this is for when you feel like being really mean, and this is when you feel super grumpy and don’t want to be around anyone. And this is for when you are having trouble going to sleep, etc. And after a few weeks amazing things have started happening.

She now comes to me with the flower essence bottle and asks if she can have some because she is feeling whatever the emotion is that I suggested the bottle might help for. Her reading skills are still at the letter recognition stage, but each bottle has a different picture of the flower on it, so she can tell them apart.

Regardless as to whether you think flower essences work, they are still creating a lovely gap. My four year old feels a big emotion and realizes she needs help. She is able to identify the emotion enough to grab the bottle she wants (and she doesn’t always grab the same one and she is very intentional about which one she grabs) and brings it to me and then verbally tells me how she is feeling.

I then give her, her four drops on her tongue. Sometimes she wants to stay and talk about what is going on, but often she just says thank you and takes the bottle to put back where it goes and goes on with her day.

But it just amazes me that she is a) identifying how she is feeling b) realizes it is too big for her and she needs to get some help c) goes and gets the thing that might help her d) goes and finds an adult to help her get the thing and e) can tell the adult how she is feeling.

There are some adults who still can’t manage this process. And here is my four year old. Creating a gap between how she feels and her response to how she feels. Obviously it isn’t perfect yet (hence still some random acts of violence) but we are getting there. And teaching her brain to pause is going to bring some much good juiciness in the future. And the acknowledgment of the feelings and having someone else witness her feelings (which in turn validates them) is incredible. As is the fact that she is learning ways to deal with them herself and that is also empowering.