Coming and Going

Going and coming, we are like tides in the lives of our children. We are always either coming or going because when we are actually there, when we are staying with them we just become those pieces of things taken for granted, that safety, that security that everything will be fine because my mother is here.

It is only when we have to leave, when we have to have a few minutes of time to ourselves, or go and work at or job or any other reason that suddenly they realize how much they need us, because now we are gone. That firm foundation that they are attached to because they grew inside of us or because we have become their living breathing security blanket, because we are their everything and often they can not really see us as a separate from them. When we go it is like a major earthquake in their lives.

The ground beneath their feet shift. Even if this happens all the time at scheduled intervals. Even if we have warned them ahead of time. Even if they are staying with family or friends or something they really truly enjoy, we are still leaving them in their minds. Every single time.

I have been the full time working parent and I have been the default stay at home what do you mean you would ever leave me parent.

I have been both of those things and honestly they both have lovely shit sandwiches to eat. I don’t think either is better than the other, they all hurt when you need to walk away when you are going.

And the coming, when you come back from being away, whether it was for half an hour or 3 days, there is always much that needs to be done. Hugs and kisses, lots of talking and snuggling. Or if you have a preteen or teenager lots of ignoring ans silent treatment while they let yo know that they didn’t appreciate you were gone by ignoring you when you come back.

Meanwhile you might need to reconnect with your partner. And if you are a single mom there is probably at least a caretaker you need to check in with. Or they may be so excited to leave that it feels a bit like bringing eh baby home from the hospital and now suddenly you are abandon and alone with this child(ren).

And it can feel like it takes a while for your kids to settle back in, to trust that you are staying home (and maybe you aren’t able to stay at home for a while, maybe you do have work the next day or another reason to be away at night or on a weekend) so much longer than you think it will take.

They become clingy or grumpy or just turn up every time you turn around and need your attention. It can make the your transition back to daily life a little harder than you were expecting. Especially if you are tired as traveling often makes one more tired than we expect no matter how many times we do it.

But from your kid’s perspective it is all about them, because that is what they need to be like to insure their survival to adulthood. And you just left them even if it was only to run to the grocery store for 30 minutes, you just abandoned them.

They are not impressed, this is not something they gave their approval of, even if they didn’t want to go and do the thing you needed to do anyway (and honestly I think they probably would rather come and hang with you and drive you crazy because what they find that you are doing is boring RATHER than being left at home or away from you. Unless you can schedule a wonderful play date with their best friend, but even then they may not be that happy for you to go or just annoyed that you came back and are ending their play date.

But this is the reality of life. We for our sanity and ease and because sometimes we do not have any other choice, need to go and be away from our kids. And then we need to come back. This dance of comings and goings, we dance it with each child. We dance it as a family.

It can be intricate and we can feel like we never learned the steps, but the dance is going to happen whether we want it to or not and whether we feel confident in our steps. At the end of the day we need to find ways to acknowledge how we all feel and make space for those feelings and then come back together to all feel safer and closer and safer.