I’m the kind of person who fully believes she can have it all, do it all, and be it all. For my whole life, I’ve been fully entrenched in the Superwoman complex and my internal pendulum widely swung between being completely awash in feeling of successful bliss, and total burnout and sickness.
So having my first child was hard for me. Like, really hard. I had been told that I would feel totally different and really need time to chill out, lower my stress levels, and nest, but I was pretty sure I could just push through the fatigue, like I always had, and persist.
Didn’t work out that way. My kid came two months early and my whole life stopped for a while as I sat in the NICU waiting for him to be able to feed himself, regulate his own temperature, and do other normal baby things…
After we were out of the hospital and over the course of the next year, I slowly was able to work my way back to my business. I am a voice teacher and a life coach for performers, so I work for myself mostly. Which, as anyone with kids knows, basically means you have two full time jobs and three quarters of the time you don’t get directly paid for any of the work you’re doing.
When our second pregnancy came around, I again just kept persisting and working to keep my business up and going while wanting to puke the whole time. I wanted my business to GROW so that when the baby came it would be a machine I didn’t have to take so much care of.
Unfortunately, that pregnancy ended in a chemical termination because it became too dangerous for my life for it to continue.
Which really put things into perspective…
I WANT another child. And we’re exploring avenues like adoption, but recently we were also “cleared” to start trying again. (I use the quotes because the doctors never say that directly, but instead just make sure we know what the risks are like… SUPER clearly…)
In my case, it could all turn out to be a totally normal and healthy pregnancy! Or… it might not.
Something about this coming attempt that made me realize my drive and determination to build my business needs to be put on hold. It’s not like I can’t keep moving in that direction, but my emotional energy needs to go into taking care of my body in the best way possible so that it’s a warm and safe place for a baby to grow.
That doesn’t work well if you end up lying in bed at night with your mind spinning with business ideas or if you feel like you are constantly running from meeting to meeting.
It’s not that the action is wrong. It’s that, for me, it asks me to harden when I need to soften. Intellectualize when I need to listen to my intuition. Survive on coffee instead of water and good food. Stay up to “get shit done” when my body is telling me I need to sleep.
I can’t be in a mental growth space for my business AND my future pregnancy at the same time. They’re two different drives for me.
So while I have big ideas and programs I want to put in place. I try to constantly remind myself that it’s OK for me to rest. To take a break. To give my body space and love.
I try to remind myself that I have TIME. I’m still young. Especially in comparison to many women I know who are getting their own businesses up and going who are 10+ years older than me. (I know… I shouldn’t compare… but it’s helpful for me…)
I’ve got shit to do. But I also know what I want my life to look like. And I can’t control it all. But what I can control is my emotional space and my reactions to stress.
While hoping for another child, I choose grace. I choose ease. I choose nesting, not building.
What choice do you need to make?
She is a Health, Wellness and Empowerment Coach who helps people discover the full power of their body’s ability to achieve optimal health, create a habit of self-love, and live in harmony with their body.
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