To the mom who is getting in her car for the first time solo with a new baby….it will be ok. 

To the mom who is leaving for the first time to go somewhere WITHOUT her baby…it will be ok.

To those experiencing that feeling in your throat, the pounding of your heart, the “can I do this?”; the “should I do this?”; the “will this ever feel normal?” 

Yes. You can. You should. It will.

To the moms who have to go back to work, who have to try to act “normal” around coworkers when ALL THE EMOTIONS are happening at the same time: it will be ok.

To the moms who feel the push pull of the happiness to be doing a thing that’s your own mixed with the deep sadness to be leaving to go do that thing.  Who feel the excitement to have some alone time mixed with the guilt at the excitement about the alone time. 

Who knew it was possible to feel so much and be SO conflicted! And.. IT WILL BE OKAY. 

To the parents experiencing all the firsts: the first bite of food, the first public baby-wearing moment, the first overnight trip with the baby away from home; the first public melt down; the first nursing or feeding or first anything in the back of the car…the first time you forget that one thing that you REALLY needed to make the outing NOT a disaster…It will all be ok.

The first time I drove somewhere with my baby was a ten minute drive to visit with my parents. They were renting a house nearby for a few weeks to be helpful in those early days of first getting home from the hospital. My son shrieked and screamed the whole way until he was red in the face. We pulled over three times to make sure he was ok. My husband assured me “if he’s crying, he’s breathing.” I texted a dear friend and she kindly told me “it’s your baby hazing you,” a phrase which made me smile for a moment, but then I burst into tears anyway.

The first year of motherhood for me was far from perfect. We had a million zillion beautiful moments  and just as many “oh my god I can’t handle this; how will I get through this” moments. 

We had sleepless nights, nights where we took shifts holding the baby and set alarms to make sure we didn’t fall asleep while doing so. Sleep training nights later on where we nearly lost our minds and sat half in tears waiting for our baby to fall asleep. I got on several planes and flew miles away from my baby for a job I adore, and both loved the time away and mourned the time away. I pumped every three hours on planes, on boats, in hotel rooms, and cars. 

We also had moments that stunned me with their magic and shocked me with their power. The first smile. The first babbles. The first (and every time really) falling asleep on my chest. The first time I heard “mama.” 

Things didn’t always go as planned (and rarely will I’m sure.) I had to do things that made me WILDLY uncomfortable. I had to be brand new again at something and this time the stakes were incredibly high (keeping this tiny creature happy and alive.) 

This year I learned there is no perfect and perfect doesn’t matter. Nursing or not, sleeping in a crib or in the bed, baby led weaning or mashing it all up, cloth diapers or not, all these things that seemed so so important to me to be making the RIGHT choice, in hindsight there was no right choice, just the choice that worked for me and my family. 

The idea of “mom guilt” was always something I thought was put on mothers by others. I thought people might point their fingers at me and say, “well how could you possibly, xyz.”  (And I’m sure that happens and did happen to me and I was probably too sleep deprived to notice.) 

What surprised me about mom guilt was that so much of it happens naturally and we generate so much of it on our own: we are constantly weighing our choices, wondering if we are doing enough, doing it right, being good parents, handling it all. We do all this while trying to keep a smile on our faces and without being impatient with our mutually sleep deprived partners and of course keeping it together in front of our little people….and wow that’s a lot for any person to try to do. 

If I could write a letter to myself a year ago, in those excited but also terrified days waiting for my son’s arrival, I would say this: Be easy and loving to yourself. Be prepared for the unexpected and get ready to be both humbled and ecstaticly joyful. It will all be ok. You will be ok. You will be excellent.

When I first found out that I was pregnant, it felt like such a great little secret between my husband and I.

Part of me couldn’t wait to share the news with everyone close to me – (and in fact over coffee on the day I first took the test I couldn’t help but whisper it to a friend who had known me since my husband and I first met.) The other part of me, however; knew it was something special to just my partner and I, and that once the word got out, that information would no longer belong to just the two of us.

This was an instinctual feeling: that this news, this magic, this delight, right now, was ours. I could sense that with sharing the news it would suddenly belong to others too; that their excitement would mix with ours, but also all the advice, the opinions, the worries. The attention.

I also had a lot of anxiety with my pregnancy. We really hadn’t tried very long at all (which I know is SO lucky and not the case for so many) and all around me I had close friends trying for long amounts of time, having to go to extreme measures to get pregnant. I had many friends who had devastatingly lost their babies in the first trimester, and others in later trimesters, and so I was trying to keep my expectations low and was counting every single day that passed and that my baby grew as a WIN. I was terrified something would happen and agonized over all the things I could be doing to keep that growing baby safe.

I breathed a huge sigh of relief after we hit month three, got a little more relaxed when we saw our first ultrasound, and finally by the third trimester I felt like I was able to relax and enjoy the process. (There was still a constant nagging always in the back of my mind, as is, I am learning, a part of being a parent!)

With all of that worry going on in the background, I found myself wanting lots of support and comfort during this turbulent time but not quite knowing how to ask for it. I did get comfort and support as I shared my news, but a strange thing also happened when I told people that I was pregnant. It really did STOP being about me.

I heard a variety of reactions, from the thrill and excitement and elation for me and my husband friends and family felt. But I also heard a lot of negativity: I heard reactions about how my career would be over and “how in the world will you still teach yoga”? I heard that I should enjoy my time to myself and at my studio while I could, because that would surely end! I heard comments about how my life was now over, and I heard strange loaded comments about “mom life.”

In our modern age, I feel like it is now pretty common best practice that in general we do not openly comment on other peoples’ bodies. Can you imagine, just walking into a room on a regular day, to a bunch of people saying, “Wow your belly is looking big today!”

Suddenly, each time they saw me, friends, accquaintences and strangers, began to remark about my body.

Often it was MEANT as a compliment, but in the comments I felt the pre-pregnant me disappearing as all focus shifted to the outward display of my growing baby. “Look at your cute belly!”; “Spin around so I can see you belly.” Or worse, in the middle of a yoga class, “Wow I just want to grab that belly.” And, “Can I rub your belly?”

Why is it, that when a woman gets pregnant, we feel like her body becomes something to openly discuss in front of her, as if she isn’t even there?

I know I have made these comments myself (until I became pregnant myself and experienced it.) I think in the absence of knowing what to say to a pregnant woman we say, “Wow, you look GREAT!” And, hey, that can be nice to hear. But what if she doesn’t feel great? What if her feet are aching and her sciatica is killing her and she feels like she is spilling out of her high rise maternity leggings?

We also all handle pregnancy differently physically. Every baby is different. Every body is different. Every pregnancy is different.

I was blessed to be pregnant at the same time as several other friends, and one time, standing side by side with a friend who was due just a few weeks ahead of of me, an acquaintance said, “Ok, let’s see who is BIGGER.” And further along in my pregnancy when I was feeling my most AWKWARD in my skin, I heard a couple comments like, “Wow, not due for another two months?! You are HUGE!”

This is not meant to shame the people who are trying to be kind or find the words to say to be supportive of the pregnant mama.

But here’s the thing: when you’re pregnant, your head is spinning with so many things.

What does this mean for me?
Who will I be once I am a mom?
Will I lose myself?
Am I still me after I have a baby?
My pants don’t fit.
My body is changing.
My body is UNCOMFORTABLE.
My bras don’t fit.
How much weight am I gaining? Too little? Too much?
Is my baby healthy?
Will I ever lose this weight?
Will I ever feel like my old self again?
I have to deliver this thing?!

Each visit to the doctor (which are many and often and get more and more so as things go along) starts with a step on the scale to monitor the baby growing healthily. Weight is a constant conversation as the pregnancy moves along.

For many of us as women, that SCALE is a challenge.

Have you seen that scene in Mean Girls where the girls all stand in front of the mirror and comment on something about their bodies they want to change? YEAH.

We are living in an age where the attention on our physical appearance is so prevalent and it takes effort and energy to shift our focus away fro that. It takes practice and attention.

Suddenly with pregnancy, weight and body image becomes so front and center. We are MEANT to gain weight for the healthy of the baby. And yet it becomes a very PUBLIC conversation. (I remember feeling horrified when a friend gifted me a pair of pants about ten sizes too big for me because she said I would be needing them!) Is my body really going to change THAT much in this short nine months? (Maybe yes. Maybe no!)

I don’t know the answer to how we learn to love up the mama to be without focusing quite so much on her changing body.

Maybe if more women shared their experience of how it feels to have so much attention on your body, more people would begin to understand. I certainly didn’t understand that before I was pregnant. I thought, “you look great” is what you are automatically supposed to say.

Don’t get me wrong; if I look great you can tell me! But perhaps we can shift the conversation to, “Is there anything you need?”. “How are you feeling today?” “You’re doing a great job. “You’ve got THIS!”

Once the baby is born, the mama fades even further into the background (More on this on part two of my guest blog!). So even more reason to keep her front and center and the attention on her as an individual instead of allowing her to begin to feel that she is merely a vessel carrying around a baby.

I am so lucky to have the most incredible friends and family and so blessed that I did have a really healthy pregnancy where I felt good for most of it. Even with that, I felt vulnerable and on display and anxious and uncomfortable at times. We never know what’s happening in someone’s mind. This isn’t to say we should be afraid of what we say to our friends and family who are mama’s to be. This is just a little reminder to consider how it may feel to be in their shoes, and we can begin to shift our conversations away from the physical and towards a loving, supportive approach focusing on HER.

Maybe we ask her – what would feel most supportive to you right now? It starts with us!

Sarah Spiegel Dunn has had a long time love of building and supporting community and enjoys creating connection and transformation for individuals and groups through classes, workshops, transformational retreats, and trainings both locally and internationally. She loves the process of mentoring other yoga teachers through her one on one programs and supporting them in growing their own businesses and following their dreams.

In 2016, Sarah quit her 9-5 job to open Samudra Studio in Saco, which she has grown into a thriving community since then. Samudra will open its second location later this winter in downtown Biddeford.

Sarah gave birth to her son, Walden, last Valentines day and has enjoyed the journey into motherhood and learning to navigate being both a thriving, successful business owner and dedicated mama. When she’s not teaching yoga or spending time with her sweet family, you’ll catch her at the beach with her fur babies.