He Won’t Be Here Much Longer

by | Feb 13, 2020 | Parenting

The lovely and brilliant Michelle Dionne Thompson‘s son is off on an adventure and she may or may not be crying in the parking lot. Michelle reminds us of the importance of letting our kids be there own person and to cherish the moments we have with them NOW.
When I’m posting on social media, I often call my 15-year-old son “grumpalescent.” And it’s not because he’s horrible. I’ve actually gotten off the adolescent hook. He does his homework without nagging. He can cook food for himself. He is always where he’s supposed to be. He makes sure my spouse and I are on our game with what he needs in school. He gets really good grades. He still plays the piano. He excels at track (yep, the medals and ribbons are all his!). I like his friends. But he rarely speaks. When he’s finished his homework, he plays video games. Loudly. And late. I have to nag him to play the piano. He generally doesn’t want to leave home. To do anything. There’s no more snuggling close to my little. Because he’s not little. He’s about an inch shorter than me (I’m 5’10”). 😱 And then there are these moments where I must savor my time with him . . . he’s off to college in two years, but who’s counting. His school goes on an annual ski trip and this is one of the best things for him. It happens between the two terms. They pack up a couple of buses and head to Stowe, Vermont.  He realized that he needed to pack. He quietly walked up to me and said “Mommy, could you help me pack?” My answer, OF COURSE!!!! You want me to spend time with you? For ANY purpose? ABSOLUTELY!! We sorted out and found all of the things he needed for his trip. And then we got to the toiletries.  He didn’t like the Lush deodorant I gave to him, so I wrote down the deodorant he really likes. He needed toothpaste. He needed a travel toothbrush. And he asked me to go get it for him.  And I got it for him.  The following day, he asked me to bring him to school and drop him off for the trip. I dropped him off in front of the bus. The waterworks were trying to start. This is the fourth year we’ve done this and it’s still really hard to say goodbye to him. I told him I’m grabbing a hug. He reluctantly agreed. I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself when he goes to college. I thought my heart was being ripped in half having him leave for a 3-day skiing trip. AN ENTIRE SEMESTER?!?! This year, we’re going to start looking at colleges. I’m going to show him what different kinds of schools look like. We’re not visiting Harvard (I don’t think . . . that’s up to him). We are going to look at schools that will have solid track programs. Perhaps he’ll look at business or economics programs. That’s up to him. Because given what he’s done, he could probably go anywhere. And I’d be totally fine with him attending a school right here in NYC, so I don’t have to sob when he leaves.

I’m not crying, you’re crying.
Michelle Dionne Thompson, Ph.D., JD is the Founder and CEO of Michelle Dionne Thompson Coaching and Consulting, a primarily coaching business that works with women in law and academia to set and meet aligned goals sanely in the midst of insane industries. A recovering lawyer and a historian, she also teaches college and is writing her first book, Jamaica’s Accompong Maroons (1838 – 1905): Retooled Resistance for Continued Existence.  

The Kids Will Be Alright

by | Jul 5, 2018 | Parenting

When you enter a new parenting phase and aren’t quite sure what you are doing, remember the kids will be alright.

 

Fourteen years ago I was wrestling with how to nurse this newborn baby.

Now this baby is up to my nose (I’m not short, I’m 5’10”), and he hasn’t had his final growth spurt yet.

We live in New York City. He takes the subway. By himself. He knows where to exit and how to head in the right direction. I remember trying to make a note of where we lived and what were landmarks around it. I would make him lead the way home. Today, he went to an IHOB (formerly the International House of Pancakes (IHOP)) that we have actually never been to together. He knew where it was and how to get there!!

He decides how he will spend his time. He sets up time to spend with friends and they decide where and what to do. Sometimes it’s IHOB, sometimes, it’s hanging out at someone’s place (ours included) and playing Fortnight or Overwatch, sometimes it’s outside playing soccer. Yesterday he went to Uncommons and played board games with his friends!

Yes, he likes doing track and field, but he wants to lay off the USATF track meets next year while he gets used to a shift in his schedule as he does 9th grade. He no longer wants to do the long jump. And he made the JV soccer team. He knows when he starts practice, he knows where practice is, and he knows how to get there . . . By himself . . . In NYC.

I say all of this because it’s clear that I am entering a new phase of parenting. And like the rest, I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing. I don’t know how to stay close enough to him so I’m clear about what he’s doing in his life and if he really is alright. I have a sense of all of his friends, but I’m not close enough to them to hear what they’re talking about all the time. He’s clearly texting about stuff, I just don’t completely know WHAT stuff.

I don’t want to have quizzersations. That’s no fun. But he doesn’t talk to me as much now. And then there are times where he has everything to say. At least I can stalk him with our iPhones . . . 😕

And it doesn’t mean I don’t require things of him. No more cooking while on your iPad. No more leaving your shit all over the kitchen after you cook (and he does cook!). You will write your political representatives about issues that concern you, and we will go to this March to Keep Families Together.

I think the kids will be alright.

And I think I have a lot to learn.

And I have a lot to learn about how to learn it.

 

Michelle Dionne Thompson, Ph.D., JD is the Founder and CEO of Michelle Dionne Thompson Coaching and Consulting, a primarily coaching business that works with women in law and academia to set and meet aligned goals sanely in the midst of insane industries. A recovering lawyer and a historian, she also teaches college and is writing her first book, Jamaica’s Accompong Maroons (1838 – 1905): Retooled Resistance for Continued Existence.

When Popularity Really Matters

by | Nov 16, 2017 | Parenting, Teenagers, Truth-Telling

Sometimes kids swear.  Instead of being appalled, Michelle Thompson, Ph.D., JD. suggests we listen and by doing so we just might get more of an answer to how our teenagers are doing than simply “fine.”

 

I just spent the week away from my family and all went well.

For Veteran’s Day, my 13-year-old son had some friends over to play games with him and alleviate the loneliness of being an only child. And come over they did, some friends from his school soccer team.

My partner removed herself from the room to give them space to play.

What a great thing!

And she was appalled at the language they used. Yep, his friends are swearing (lest she thinks any foul language is my fault . . .), and they’re not interested in anything else aside from video games and their phones. No discussion of girls, pornography, or drugs.

We’re safe for the next 5 minutes. Then again, most of them are still pre-pubescent.

My partner was a little upset though because she chafes at foul language.

I LOVED using foul language the minute I could when away from home when I was 12.

But that’s not the point. No matter how difficult it seems to have these young people over, it is critical. For a family who has not the patience to homeschool, this is the only way we get a more unvarnished window into their lives. What matters to them? Why does it matter? What are the challenges? What are the joys?

I know that I can’t get answers to these questions asking “how was school,” as the proverbial “fine” gets me NOTHING. He won’t swear like a sailor when checking in!

But hearing how they play with language, what they are focused on, what they love, and what they hate matters.

Right now, they love foul language.

We get to debrief with James about what they’re saying and hear what he’s thinking.

I told my partner to think of this as a big old research project. She’s an academic. We love research. Let’s do it!

The window is closing in terms of us getting to have James and his friends with us. I want to keep it open as long as possible. I want our house to be where the kids hang out. I want to listen in on what they’re doing and saying. This could be the key to heading off any future difficulties.

Michelle Dionne Thompson, Ph.D., JD is the Founder and CEO of Michelle Dionne Thompson Coaching and Consulting, a primarily coaching business that works with women in law and academia to set and meet aligned goals sanely in the midst of insane industries. A recovering lawyer and a historian, she also teaches college and is writing her first book, Jamaica’s Accompong Maroons (1838 – 1905): Retooled Resistance for Continued Existence.

At Peace with Screens…

by | Sep 28, 2017 | Parenting, Technology, Tips and Techniques

This we are joined by Michelle Thompson, P.h.D, JD who writes about what screen time has meant to her only son.  And how she is at peace with it, at least for the moment.

 

I remember when Angry Birds was released as a game you could play on your device of choice. My sister’s partner let my son James play it at a restaurant. He LOVED it. He was five.

I downloaded the game on my laptop. That worked well because I wrote my dissertation on it, so he only had access to it when I wasn’t writing . . . and I was writing all of the time.

Fast forward to 2012, and I bought an iPad. I had games on it (Angry Birds and all its iterations), but it was MY iPad that I used to deliver college lectures and . . . edit chapters of my dissertation. That’s right, while James was hooked, he had limited access to that device.

Then James earned and was given rather large chunks of money as gifts. Do you know what he did with that money?

Buy an iPad.

I gave him an old smartphone of mine that didn’t work well. He wanted a new one. He bought an old model iPhone. With money he earned.

 

While Angry Birds no longer capture his imagination, YouTube, apps with endless memes, and Clash of Clans absolutely do. It’s not infrequent that you say something to him and get silence. I’ve been known to FaceTime with him – in the same house! It’s often the only way I can get his attention. My partner often gets nothing because he isn’t listening and she doesn’t use FaceTime (I think it’s fair to say that electronically, she’s the EXACT OPPOSITE of my son and I. She doesn’t use apps!).

However, he is the child who comes home and does his homework well. He participates in soccer and track. He’s actually really good at them. He twitches all the time if he doesn’t get enough exercise. He’s a great traveler and loves to cook. He spends time with our dog and practices the piano. His friends’ younger siblings LOVE him. He babysits.

He’s an only child, so I know that he’s easily bored. I know that boredom is often necessary to create.

But the screens get in the way.

Yes, I want this to change. I won’t give up the fight for figuring out how to separate him from screens without becoming entertainer-in-chief.

I don’t want this to be a never-ending fight. I want his mind in this with me. I want him to understand why this doesn’t work well for him. I know that much more connection with him is needed.

So for now, I’m at peace with his screens. For now.

Michelle Dionne Thompson, Ph.D., JD is the Founder and CEO of Michelle Dionne Thompson Coaching and Consulting, a primarily coaching business that works with women in law and academia to set and meet aligned goals sanely in the midst of insane industries. A recovering lawyer and a historian, she also teaches college and is writing her first book, Jamaica’s Accompong Maroons (1838 – 1905): Retooled Resistance for Continued Existence.