All The Feels (Empathic Children)

by | Dec 3, 2019 | Parenting

I have four and a half empathic children.

This was not something I bargained for when I started a family. This was not something anyone talked about or I found in any of the parenting books I read.

But I found my tribe and tools to leverage being an empath.

I have four and a half empathic children.

 My husband and I are empathic, which means that sometimes we have a lot of emotions bouncing around my house and sometimes we can very easily get into a never-ending feedback loop of feeding off of each other.  This was not something I bargained for when I started a family. This was not something anyone talked about or I found in any of the parenting books I read. Sure I learned all about attachment parenting from Dr. Sears but no one really talked about what to do with all the big emotions kids have, and what to do when sometimes those emotions were not even their own.

 

Looking back I am sure that my eldest was picking up stuff that wasn’t her own.  Hubby and I used to joke about how we would take her for walks in the mall and she would turn on ovaries wherever we went.  Which might be a cute superpower rather than an empathic one.

 

But once our second daughter came along there were certainly times when they would feed off of each other emotionally and those were often pretty tough parenting moments for my hubby and me.  I think we chalked it up to toddler behavior and how that often does not make any sense to an adult mind.

 

By the time number 3 and 4 came along (they are only 20 months apart) the amount of empathic reactions shot up.  Girls would be crying because other girls were crying and I would be running triage just trying to figure out what was going on and keep my emotions in check and it was really hard.  And frustrating. Yes, you want your kids to feel for other people, it keeps them from being quite so nasty to each other, but on the other hand, this often felt out of control.

 

It wasn’t until I joined an out of the box business coaching program and met some of her other clients and heard people talk about being empaths that it started making more sense.  I started understanding what was going on, and learning the other kinds of empaths there were (not just how I react) so that I could start seeing how everyone in my family is empathic in different ways.  

 

I started saying things like, “I know your sister is super sad right now because of such and such but those are her feelings, you don’t need to try and feel them for her.”

 “Or wow, she is having a big reaction to this thing, and that can be really hard to deal with or sit with right?”

 

I started just trying to hold a safe space for my daughters to process their emotions  Not telling them to stop crying or to calm down unless it was an unsafe situation to be being that emotive.  I started learning about the Emotional Freedom Technique and how I can tap not only for my reactions to their reactions but I could actually tap for them and help process some of their emotions.  I try to encourage them to tap with me, which only goes so far these days but it is a great tool to have in my back pocket.

 

I am curious to see how it is going to go with this fifth daughter of mine, knowing that I have different tools and concepts in my toolbox this time around.  And being able to know that her emotions are not a reflection of me, and sometimes she is just picking up on the general state of things rather than her own personal distress.  It will be interesting because you never know the personality you are getting And who they are as a newborn is not always who they will be as a toddler and then a young child. I really feel like it takes to about 5 before I really get a solid sense of who they are going to be.

For more information on Empaths, I would recommend checking out my friend Jennifer Moore at modernmedicinelady.com/ and on social media – Facebook, Instagram
Chase Young is the founder of The Mommy Rebellion a place for judgment-free parenting.  She’s created a place to get tips, tools and support for what it is truly like to be a mother, stories from the trenches that show you you’re not alone.  Tips that real mothers use.  Tools to give to yourself and to your parenting friends to feel more focused, have more patience and energy, and feel less tired and snappy .  
You can follow Chase here on this blog, sign up for her newsletter here and follow her on Facebook and Instagram.

Grateful for…

by | Nov 26, 2019 | Parenting

It’s the week of Thanksgiving here in the States so for most Americans this is a time to gather with family, friends and feast. What does gratitude mean to you and how do you share that with your family?
 

It’s the week of Thanksgiving here in the States, so of course, everyone is talking about gratitude.  What they are thankful for, how to teach gratitude to their children, prepping for the commercial barrage that has already started for Christmas (am I the only one who has been seeing tonnes of pre- Black Friday sales since Halloween?).

 

Yes we should stop and think about what we are thankful for.  And without going into the whole politics of Thanksgiving and how the mythos of the first thanksgiving is probably wrong, for most Americans this is a time to gather with family, friends, and feast.

 

I have a friend who hates Thanksgiving because she always ends up spending it with family, cooking most of it and she just doesn’t feel supported.  We are nowhere near our family (the closest is in Ohio the rest in New Zealand or Australia) so we have always taken turns getting together with different friends on Thanksgiving Day and ending the day with desserts and tabletop games into the wee hours.

 

Last year on the way home from Thanksgiving my 5 year old needed to pee and there was no place to stop.  We offered hanging her butt out the window as there was snow on the ground but she was uninterested in that solution.  At the last minute, I remembered that we were going by the hospital and they are always open. Sure enough, I think we made the ER’s night when I walked in with four girls and all we wanted was to use their bathroom.  The nurse made a big deal to my younger ones that the hospital is always there for the bathroom if they ever need it. It is great to have a non-painfilled memory of one of our local hospitals.

 

I have talked in previous posts about our gratitude tree and how we have in the past talked about one thing we are grateful for before eating our dinner.  We have fallen off doing that lately as life has felt chaotic and we are just happy to have dinner on the table. I should probably start it up again.

 

I have done gratitude lists myself off and on over the last few years.  I can’t say it’s a practice I keep constantly. But I do think about it constantly.  I do take deep breaths and sink into the moment and appreciate it for what it is. I just don’t always get it written down.  I am always grateful for cups of coffee, cuddle time with our three cats and this growing wiggly baby inside. I am grateful for heat in the winter and cool breezes in the summer and the pig in our freezer.  I am grateful for family and friends and the relationships my children are building in the world. I am grateful for having food to eat. This is not just true on Thanksgiving or in the month of November. This is always true.  And I do my best to think about it a lot. The other day I was thankful for rain instead of snow. I am thankful for the reusable choices we have made so that we are not always having to buy something for that solution. I am grateful for small things like subscription boxes of feminine products for my girls and being able to buy toilet paper in bulk because if I had to remember these things on my own we would never have it.

 

What about you?  Do you just remember to talk about gratitude this time of year or is it something you try to always incorporate into your life? What does gratitude mean to you and how do you share that with your family?

PS. Read more Brutal Honesty about Motherhood and Other Sh*t We Pretend We Love HERE.
Chase Young is the founder of The Mommy Rebellion a place for judgment-free parenting.  She’s created a place to get tips, tools and support for what it is truly like to be a mother, stories from the trenches that show you you’re not alone.  Tips that real mothers use.  Tools to give to yourself and to your parenting friends to feel more focused, have more patience and energy, and feel less tired and snappy .  
You can follow Chase here on this blog, sign up for her newsletter here and follow her on Facebook and Instagram.

NO-vember Parenting Style

by | Nov 19, 2019 | Parenting

Do you like this idea of No-vember? I’m loving it ! For me, it sounds like a really healthy way to walk into the super hectic holiday season and maybe really think about what things you do want to invite into your holiday celebrations.
 

I do not normally get on social media bandwagons.  I tend to be just too outside the norm for them to really work for me.  But this year when I so the No-vember memes I thought they were great!

No-vember a time to say no to the things you don’t want to do.  That sounds like a really healthy way to walk into the super hectic holiday season and maybe really think about what things you do want to invite into your holiday celebrations.  Saying no to social events you don’t want to go too. Say no to gift exchanges you don’t want to be a part of. Whatever feels right to you.

But then I got to thinking about what it’s like to say No as a parent.  My hubby when we first started our parenting journey together tended to have the default of saying no to every request.  Then sometimes he would think about it and come back and change his mind and turn it into a yes. I tend to be more of a “why not” parent or at least a “let me think about how we can make this work” kind of parent.

Example – this weekend my 6 year old came to me asking if she could paint.  Now my house is currently in a small state of chaos as we do some home repairs so the idea of paint everywhere was not my idea of fun.  Also, I had no idea what paint she was talking about, even though she insisted she got it for Christmas. So instead of just saying no (which let’s be honest is what my pregnant state wanted me to do), I asked her to show me her paint.  Which turned out to be washable crayola paint. I then asked if she would be willing to paint outside on the porch. She and my almost 8 year old agreed and off they went to paint happily for quite a while. I just had to provide a jar with water for brush cleaning.

So that is what I try to do most of the time.  But I still say no to a lot of things. Only one piece of Halloween candy a day and after today it’s pretty much gone.  Only limited media time. You have to do your chores before said media time, etc.

And this year there has been a lot of no, Santa can’t actually get you that.  Not because of a financial issue so much as, you don’t need more of things you already have.  No one is getting legos this year, we have a baby entering our life again a month after Christmas.  My elders are doing better with their requests. My almost 8 year old still wants to add things even though I have explained that it’s past Halloween and Santa has his list.  She still wants to adjust things.

I feel like I still say no a lot.  And most of the time it’s a good thing.  Limits help kids feel safe, help families stay connected, and help us all not fall into constant sickness.  Limits also help kids learn negotiation skills, something they will continually need throughout their lives.  

I just try not to say no reactively.  I try to have my no’s be reasonable or thought out.  Not just I’m irritated that this is the fourth time someone has interrupted me in the past half hour.  I am not perfect. I have bad days too. But I try to be aware of how often I am saying no.

What about you?  Do you like this idea of No-vember?  Or do you think it’s just another silly fad?

Chase Young is the founder of The Mommy Rebellion a place for judgment-free parenting.  She’s created a place to get tips, tools and support for what it is truly like to be a mother, stories from the trenches that show you you’re not alone.  Tips that real mothers use.  Tools to give to yourself and to your parenting friends to feel more focused, have more patience and energy, and feel less tired and snappy .  
You can follow Chase here on this blog, sign up for her newsletter here and follow her on Facebook and Instagram.

I Am Ready For Hibernation

by | Nov 12, 2019 | Parenting

I am not feeling great today.

I mean, I am pregnant so feeling great is usually out of the picture for me anyway.

Is it time to hibernate?

 I am not feeling great today.

I mean I am pregnant so feeling great is usually out of the picture for me anyway. I know it’s hard to believe since this is my fifth time being pregnant but I don’t enjoy the process. I enjoy the baby on the other side (toddlers, on the other hand, are something to just live through) but I don’t enjoy what it takes to grow a baby for 9 months.

She’s a pretty kicky one these days too, which is great and exactly what she is supposed to be doing, but I never get any alone time.  EVER because I am always “with child”.

I am tired today.  I know part of that is that instead of helping us go to sleep last night, our personal time ended up waking both of us up. I suspect hubby is pretty tired today too. We needed that time and connection though so I have no regrets, but it would have been nice to be able to have fallen asleep afterward.

I did spend like an hour and a half in bed reading this morning with my youngest looking at a graphic novel on the other side of me, which was great because she wasn’t talking to me and that felt good but ever since I sat up I have had a lovely sinus headache and a drippy nose and I am just tired you know?

I need to make one small errand today to get some produce and vote and return a package to the post office.
And I will need to sit while my eldest works through her reading program and does a half-hour of typing.  I have no idea what dinner is going to be. Hopefully, the produce will give me some inspiration.

I would love to just lie down again and read some more of my book.

It looks like snow outside. It isn’t snowing because we are in the 40’s ad not the 30’s but it looks like it. There is a crow in the bare trees outside my window. It looks cold.

I am having constant hot flashes though. I keep having to take my sweaters on and off. All this extra blood is making me run hot and probably part of the reason I am constantly hungry that and the baby putting on at least ½ pound a week now. I am grateful I don’t have a scale but every time I get up she feels heavier! I feel heavier and I need to check my center of gravity.

So yeah today I am not feeling so well. But tomorrow I see my midwife (who will assure me that all of this is in fact normal) and we have kids over to play with my kids, and I plan to just take the day off.  The sun is supposed to be out so I can send everyone outside for some much needed sunshine. Also, thanks to the time change the days seem shorter and the nights are getting colder and…

I am ready for hibernation.

 

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Chase Young is the founder of The Mommy Rebellion a place for judgment-free parenting.  She’s created a place to get tips, tools and support for what it is truly like to be a mother, stories from the trenches that show you you’re not alone.  Tips that real mothers use.  Tools to give to yourself and to your parenting friends to feel more focused, have more patience and energy, and feel less tired and snappy .  
You can follow Chase here on this blog, sign up for her newsletter here and follow her on Facebook and Instagram.

Don’t Judge Me, This is How We Holiday.

by | Nov 5, 2019 | Parenting

I need to sit down with the girls and ask what experiences they want this holiday season because it’s that time of year again where everything feels like a stage.

It’s that time of year again where everything feels like a stage.  And our social event calendar can get pretty full, pretty quickly. There are upcoming holiday parties, both at schools, scout groups, friends, work parties, etc. There are shopping trips to be done and gifts to be bought from wherever you want to buy things.

There is so much pressure to buy things this time of year. With my inbox being daily inundated with sales, and it can be really hard to stick to my list.  For me it starts on the first Saturday of November when one of our local towns has an early bird sale, where if you get up and get to town before 6 am (because believe me you can’t find parking at 6 am) and dress in your pajamas and find sales from 40 to 20% off.  For the last two years, I have had a very small window to do this shopping as there has been another event I needed to be at by 9:30 about 80 miles away. So I have to look from a list, make decisions quickly and do my best to stay in my budget.

Some years I have done most of my Christmas shopping on that day (it all depends on what the girls want and if I can get it locally at a good price) but mainly I stock up a lot of our pantry.  Reny’s, Maine’s local department store goes 20% off and it’s a great time to stock up on Stash tea, coconut flakes, maple syrup and more. Last year I got my first pair of snow boots since 2001 because it’s hard to find them at 20% off.

My kids have to put their list into Santa by Halloween, so I usually have most of the Christmas list built by about then. It makes it easier to find deals and to use gift cards and coupons to get things on sale when you have a few months to do it in.  It also means I am more likely to stick to my list and this year I am hoping to have it all done by the first week in December and to do a lot of it online.  Which doesn’t mean I don’t want to support the local people, I do where I can, but some stuff especially when it needs to be a secret is just easier to order online.

However, I feel like everything from Black Friday to New Years is buy, buy, buy, buy.  And it gets so tiring. Even when I just delete emails without opening them, refuse to watch ads and try not to go anywhere besides to get groceries.  It still feels like a lot and onslot.  

And even once we make it to Christmas Eve everyone is showing photos of Santa having come, as if we need a lot of social pats on the back that we did our job as parents.  I try to avoid social media on Christmas because I find it hard to see all the presents everyone got and to not just feel icky. It’s not that I don’t want to wish everyone a happy Yule and Christmas and New Year and whatever else you are celebrating, but I don’t need to see the material goods you shelled out for your family.

I have overdone Christmas in the past when we finally had a bit more money to spend and it didn’t make my kids any happier.  I have already warned everyone that Christmas is quiet this year. Family friends are getting homemade jams and preserves, as well as Scout Leaders, etc. because that is what I have time for and could make ahead and most of the girls helped out in one way or the other. I bought games for our close family friends months ago and they are just waiting to be wrapped.

Which is another thing I hate – wrapping paper. The years that we have had a wood stove at least we could burn them afterward, but honestly, they seem like a waste.  Years ago Santa announced he was no longer wrapping presents, you know what you asked for so you can find it under the tree on Christmas morning.  My mother has made gift bags out of holiday fabrics for years and I have made some reusable labels as well that we just pin on to the appropriate bag each year.

My girls love wrapping gifts for each other, I think that is their favorite thing to do while waiting for Christmas/Yule.  I think they love wrapping paper more, but I like getting to reuse the bags every year. Every year I say I am going to make some more, and usually, it doesn’t happen.  We will see what happens this year.  

I need to sit down with the girls and ask what experiences they want this holiday season. We already have Candy Cane making at a local candy store scheduled and a Victorian Train Ride that is free to be scheduled later this weekend when tickets become available. I can’t do a lot this year, but it is helpful to know if they want to do gingerbread houses with friends again or not.

Okay, this has been a rambling post from a 3rd-trimester mummy.  But these are the things I am thinking about this beginning of November.  How to have a good holiday season but also not get super tired while having it.  What are your goals this holiday season?

PS. Hear more REAL motherhood stories in my Mommy Rebellion, check it out HERE.

Chase Young is the founder of The Mommy Rebellion a place for judgment-free parenting.  She’s created a place to get tips, tools and support for what it is truly like to be a mother, stories from the trenches that show you you’re not alone.  Tips that real mothers use.  Tools to give to yourself and to your parenting friends to feel more focused, have more patience and energy, and feel less tired and snappy .  
You can follow Chase here on this blog, sign up for her newsletter here and follow her on Facebook and Instagram.