A Note to my 4 year Old.

There has been a lot of very strongly felt emotions in my house lately. And when you are four that often means a lot of screaming. Loudly because, when you have three other sisters, sometimes you are sure that the only way you can possibly be heard is by screaming.

Even when you haven’t started at a normal volume. Because screaming gets so much better results so much faster as well. It doesn’t matter if it seems rude – it just works and when you are four, getting things to work the way you want them to — is the most important thing.

But it is hard for those of us who live with you. Who want to communicate with you and make things better, but at the same time don’t actually want to be shouted at. Especially when we are right next to you, especially when you walk into the room at volume 11.

Yet I know this is partially a phase. That while it feels like you are being louder than your sisters ever were at this same age of 4, you probably are not, you are all probably about the same. It is just that with each additional daughter there has been an additional voice and that is what makes it all seem, well, just so much louder.

There are times when we have physical reactions to you, when we honestly just cringe at the sound of your voice because it is so LOUD. Because even though six months ago you were really good at using your please and thank you’s, now you don’t want to use them at all. You just want to clearly speak what you need, and right now it usually comes out as demands.

This is a hard stage for me to parent. Because on the one hand, I am so excited that you can finally most of the time tell me clearly what you need and want (as the difference between the two doesn’t make sense in your brain yet). But at the same token the way you are demanding rather than asking, the way you are yelling rather than speaking, the way you are at times just so rude, makes it really hard for me to respond in a loving manner.

I want to teach you the skills so that you will understand that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar or in your case shouting.

I want to teach you that you can tell the universe clearly what you want, without losing any of your power but also without sounding like a complete and utter bitch. Because I don’t want you to be given those labels of bossy, arrogant and bitchy just because you can clearly state your needs, you know what you want and you are relentless about going after those things.

That is super powerful. At four and half you can already do that. I am so proud of you. At the same time you absolutely exhaust me. Not because you shouldn’t shine as bright as you are, but because, well the society we live in thinks I should tame you somehow. As if I could or should dull your edges so you don’t shine so bright.

I don’t want to do that. However, I do know that when you can explain your needs and desires in ways that work for all the parties involved. When you can create win-win situations. When you know how to win friends and influence people. That things go easier for you. People come to bat for you, you can make exceptions to almost any rule, and ask for forgiveness later.

These are tools I also want to give you. These are weapons as helpful as swords and arrows and a really loud voice. Being able to influence others to see your side and actually want to help you, now that is a gift that really will help you change the world the way you want it to be.

That is what I am trying to model and teach you oh dear 4. That you can get your sandwiches cut just the way you want and you can get all the milk you need in your bowl of oatmeal. But that by asking me nicely you will get it faster and I will feel better giving it to you. That your joy can shine through even when you ask with a smile.

Demands only get you so far. And where it comes to your three older sisters, it is really not very far at all. They don’t want to play with you if you get too loud, too bossy, too demanding, too bitchy. They don’t want to even be around you when you are like that, and let’s face it when they are like that you don’t want to be around them either.

So how can we meet in the middle, my youngest love? How can you learn to ask nicer while not losing any of your ability to articulate to the best of your ability what it is in fact you want? I don’t want to feel like you are bossing me around and telling me what to do. And you need to get your needs met.

Where is the middle ground?

Will you come and help me find it?

Can we practice balancing here together?