When I first found out that I was pregnant, it felt like such a great little secret between my husband and I.

Part of me couldn’t wait to share the news with everyone close to me – (and in fact over coffee on the day I first took the test I couldn’t help but whisper it to a friend who had known me since my husband and I first met.) The other part of me, however; knew it was something special to just my partner and I, and that once the word got out, that information would no longer belong to just the two of us.

This was an instinctual feeling: that this news, this magic, this delight, right now, was ours. I could sense that with sharing the news it would suddenly belong to others too; that their excitement would mix with ours, but also all the advice, the opinions, the worries. The attention.

I also had a lot of anxiety with my pregnancy. We really hadn’t tried very long at all (which I know is SO lucky and not the case for so many) and all around me I had close friends trying for long amounts of time, having to go to extreme measures to get pregnant. I had many friends who had devastatingly lost their babies in the first trimester, and others in later trimesters, and so I was trying to keep my expectations low and was counting every single day that passed and that my baby grew as a WIN. I was terrified something would happen and agonized over all the things I could be doing to keep that growing baby safe.

I breathed a huge sigh of relief after we hit month three, got a little more relaxed when we saw our first ultrasound, and finally by the third trimester I felt like I was able to relax and enjoy the process. (There was still a constant nagging always in the back of my mind, as is, I am learning, a part of being a parent!)

With all of that worry going on in the background, I found myself wanting lots of support and comfort during this turbulent time but not quite knowing how to ask for it. I did get comfort and support as I shared my news, but a strange thing also happened when I told people that I was pregnant. It really did STOP being about me.

I heard a variety of reactions, from the thrill and excitement and elation for me and my husband friends and family felt. But I also heard a lot of negativity: I heard reactions about how my career would be over and “how in the world will you still teach yoga”? I heard that I should enjoy my time to myself and at my studio while I could, because that would surely end! I heard comments about how my life was now over, and I heard strange loaded comments about “mom life.”

In our modern age, I feel like it is now pretty common best practice that in general we do not openly comment on other peoples’ bodies. Can you imagine, just walking into a room on a regular day, to a bunch of people saying, “Wow your belly is looking big today!”

Suddenly, each time they saw me, friends, accquaintences and strangers, began to remark about my body.

Often it was MEANT as a compliment, but in the comments I felt the pre-pregnant me disappearing as all focus shifted to the outward display of my growing baby. “Look at your cute belly!”; “Spin around so I can see you belly.” Or worse, in the middle of a yoga class, “Wow I just want to grab that belly.” And, “Can I rub your belly?”

Why is it, that when a woman gets pregnant, we feel like her body becomes something to openly discuss in front of her, as if she isn’t even there?

I know I have made these comments myself (until I became pregnant myself and experienced it.) I think in the absence of knowing what to say to a pregnant woman we say, “Wow, you look GREAT!” And, hey, that can be nice to hear. But what if she doesn’t feel great? What if her feet are aching and her sciatica is killing her and she feels like she is spilling out of her high rise maternity leggings?

We also all handle pregnancy differently physically. Every baby is different. Every body is different. Every pregnancy is different.

I was blessed to be pregnant at the same time as several other friends, and one time, standing side by side with a friend who was due just a few weeks ahead of of me, an acquaintance said, “Ok, let’s see who is BIGGER.” And further along in my pregnancy when I was feeling my most AWKWARD in my skin, I heard a couple comments like, “Wow, not due for another two months?! You are HUGE!”

This is not meant to shame the people who are trying to be kind or find the words to say to be supportive of the pregnant mama.

But here’s the thing: when you’re pregnant, your head is spinning with so many things.

What does this mean for me?
Who will I be once I am a mom?
Will I lose myself?
Am I still me after I have a baby?
My pants don’t fit.
My body is changing.
My body is UNCOMFORTABLE.
My bras don’t fit.
How much weight am I gaining? Too little? Too much?
Is my baby healthy?
Will I ever lose this weight?
Will I ever feel like my old self again?
I have to deliver this thing?!

Each visit to the doctor (which are many and often and get more and more so as things go along) starts with a step on the scale to monitor the baby growing healthily. Weight is a constant conversation as the pregnancy moves along.

For many of us as women, that SCALE is a challenge.

Have you seen that scene in Mean Girls where the girls all stand in front of the mirror and comment on something about their bodies they want to change? YEAH.

We are living in an age where the attention on our physical appearance is so prevalent and it takes effort and energy to shift our focus away fro that. It takes practice and attention.

Suddenly with pregnancy, weight and body image becomes so front and center. We are MEANT to gain weight for the healthy of the baby. And yet it becomes a very PUBLIC conversation. (I remember feeling horrified when a friend gifted me a pair of pants about ten sizes too big for me because she said I would be needing them!) Is my body really going to change THAT much in this short nine months? (Maybe yes. Maybe no!)

I don’t know the answer to how we learn to love up the mama to be without focusing quite so much on her changing body.

Maybe if more women shared their experience of how it feels to have so much attention on your body, more people would begin to understand. I certainly didn’t understand that before I was pregnant. I thought, “you look great” is what you are automatically supposed to say.

Don’t get me wrong; if I look great you can tell me! But perhaps we can shift the conversation to, “Is there anything you need?”. “How are you feeling today?” “You’re doing a great job. “You’ve got THIS!”

Once the baby is born, the mama fades even further into the background (More on this on part two of my guest blog!). So even more reason to keep her front and center and the attention on her as an individual instead of allowing her to begin to feel that she is merely a vessel carrying around a baby.

I am so lucky to have the most incredible friends and family and so blessed that I did have a really healthy pregnancy where I felt good for most of it. Even with that, I felt vulnerable and on display and anxious and uncomfortable at times. We never know what’s happening in someone’s mind. This isn’t to say we should be afraid of what we say to our friends and family who are mama’s to be. This is just a little reminder to consider how it may feel to be in their shoes, and we can begin to shift our conversations away from the physical and towards a loving, supportive approach focusing on HER.

Maybe we ask her – what would feel most supportive to you right now? It starts with us!

Sarah Spiegel Dunn has had a long time love of building and supporting community and enjoys creating connection and transformation for individuals and groups through classes, workshops, transformational retreats, and trainings both locally and internationally. She loves the process of mentoring other yoga teachers through her one on one programs and supporting them in growing their own businesses and following their dreams.

In 2016, Sarah quit her 9-5 job to open Samudra Studio in Saco, which she has grown into a thriving community since then. Samudra will open its second location later this winter in downtown Biddeford.

Sarah gave birth to her son, Walden, last Valentines day and has enjoyed the journey into motherhood and learning to navigate being both a thriving, successful business owner and dedicated mama. When she’s not teaching yoga or spending time with her sweet family, you’ll catch her at the beach with her fur babies.

It’s that time of year again where everything feels like a stage.  And our social event calendar can get pretty full, pretty quickly. There are upcoming holiday parties, both at schools, scout groups, friends, work parties, etc. There are shopping trips to be done and gifts to be bought from wherever you want to buy things.

There is so much pressure to buy things this time of year. With my inbox being daily inundated with sales, and it can be really hard to stick to my list.  For me it starts on the first Saturday of November when one of our local towns has an early bird sale, where if you get up and get to town before 6 am (because believe me you can’t find parking at 6 am) and dress in your pajamas and find sales from 40 to 20% off.  For the last two years, I have had a very small window to do this shopping as there has been another event I needed to be at by 9:30 about 80 miles away. So I have to look from a list, make decisions quickly and do my best to stay in my budget.

Some years I have done most of my Christmas shopping on that day (it all depends on what the girls want and if I can get it locally at a good price) but mainly I stock up a lot of our pantry.  Reny’s, Maine’s local department store goes 20% off and it’s a great time to stock up on Stash tea, coconut flakes, maple syrup and more. Last year I got my first pair of snow boots since 2001 because it’s hard to find them at 20% off.

My kids have to put their list into Santa by Halloween, so I usually have most of the Christmas list built by about then. It makes it easier to find deals and to use gift cards and coupons to get things on sale when you have a few months to do it in.  It also means I am more likely to stick to my list and this year I am hoping to have it all done by the first week in December and to do a lot of it online.  Which doesn’t mean I don’t want to support the local people, I do where I can, but some stuff especially when it needs to be a secret is just easier to order online.

However, I feel like everything from Black Friday to New Years is buy, buy, buy, buy.  And it gets so tiring. Even when I just delete emails without opening them, refuse to watch ads and try not to go anywhere besides to get groceries.  It still feels like a lot and onslot.  

And even once we make it to Christmas Eve everyone is showing photos of Santa having come, as if we need a lot of social pats on the back that we did our job as parents.  I try to avoid social media on Christmas because I find it hard to see all the presents everyone got and to not just feel icky. It’s not that I don’t want to wish everyone a happy Yule and Christmas and New Year and whatever else you are celebrating, but I don’t need to see the material goods you shelled out for your family.

I have overdone Christmas in the past when we finally had a bit more money to spend and it didn’t make my kids any happier.  I have already warned everyone that Christmas is quiet this year. Family friends are getting homemade jams and preserves, as well as Scout Leaders, etc. because that is what I have time for and could make ahead and most of the girls helped out in one way or the other. I bought games for our close family friends months ago and they are just waiting to be wrapped.

Which is another thing I hate – wrapping paper. The years that we have had a wood stove at least we could burn them afterward, but honestly, they seem like a waste.  Years ago Santa announced he was no longer wrapping presents, you know what you asked for so you can find it under the tree on Christmas morning.  My mother has made gift bags out of holiday fabrics for years and I have made some reusable labels as well that we just pin on to the appropriate bag each year.

My girls love wrapping gifts for each other, I think that is their favorite thing to do while waiting for Christmas/Yule.  I think they love wrapping paper more, but I like getting to reuse the bags every year. Every year I say I am going to make some more, and usually, it doesn’t happen.  We will see what happens this year.  

I need to sit down with the girls and ask what experiences they want this holiday season. We already have Candy Cane making at a local candy store scheduled and a Victorian Train Ride that is free to be scheduled later this weekend when tickets become available. I can’t do a lot this year, but it is helpful to know if they want to do gingerbread houses with friends again or not.

Okay, this has been a rambling post from a 3rd-trimester mummy.  But these are the things I am thinking about this beginning of November.  How to have a good holiday season but also not get super tired while having it.  What are your goals this holiday season?

PS. Hear more REAL motherhood stories in my Mommy Rebellion, check it out HERE.